A common saying amongst my Ontological coaching peers is, “Show me someone who is suffering and I will show you someone who is not making enough requests”. It can be hard watching someone you care about not Request the help they need—which includes not accepting any Offers of assistance.
“Show me someone who is suffering and I will show you someone who is not making enough requests.” I Shouldn’t Have To Ask – Living in the Question
There are many reasons why people (yes, including me) will fail to ask for help when it’s needed. Here are some of the most common. For each I’ll give brief hints on how to overcome the barrier depending on if you are needing help, or offering it.
TIP
It is always okay to ask for help if you need it. Always.
Resignation is the ruling mood
When Resignation is an ascendent Mood, someone will fail to ask because Way of Being presupposes a belief help will not be forthcoming, or there is no way to understand how assistance will change anything. You’ll see this in their body posture and hear it in their voice. If they do manage to make a request, it will be from a diminutive posture with little confidence in their voice, and when you Offer assistance, they will shrink away.
If you need help, it is possible to shift your mood of Resignation by adopting a different body posture: one where you are more open and solid. Asking for help is also a muscle that builds over time that will counteract the impact of resignation. Learn that asking for help is ok.
If you are offering help and you suspect Resignation is a play, don’t call it out. Instead, offer something small (maybe even just sit with someone). Help them hone into what will be of use. Too general an offer is difficult to accept.
There is nobody to ask
It may very well be the case there is nobody around who you can ask for help.
If you need help, the blunt answer is go and find someone but it’s more likely there are people around. Ask them if they know of anyone who can help you and follow that trail like a bloodhound until you get what you need to alleviate your suffering.
Cultural barriers make asking shameful
One of the strongest influences on our lives is the Cultural narrative we live in. It can be absurdly strong and magnificently hidden. Your culture may have taught you that asking for assistance is shameful (what a sad teaching that is) or suggest you can only ask for help from people within your cultural group (also a sad teaching).
If you need help, all I can do here is remind you that 30 Seconds of courage can change your life. Show some compassion to yourself. You have been taught this since you were a child.
If you are offering help, a cultural sensitivity is required. Pushing will likely make things worse. Maybe you can ask, keeping the idea of Legitimate other front of mind, if culture may be in the way. Personally, I’d need my own shot of courage to do that but for people I really cared about, I would.
You were told “No” as a child
I’m sure that I’ve told my children “No” more than “Yes” when they’ve asked for something. I’ll never know if this has taught them not to ask for help. I don’t think it has, but the overwhelming number of times we hear a negative response rather than a positive one must have some impact. Children are resilient though and quickly learn if mum or dad says “No”, try the other one; failing that, try the grandparents.
If you need help, the lesson here is “Don’t take ‘No’ for an answer” and keep asking.
If you are offering help, offer again when you judge the time is right.
Apologising for letting someone down
Someone who is apologising for letting you down, or for even asking for help, is in the maelstrom of Cultural narrative and Resignation. I’m not talking about a polite, “Sorry, would you mind if I pass” type of apologising, but the deep-seated version where the person does not think they have a right to ask. Think on this. I genuinely need help yet I don’t think I deserve it. Cut to any ambulance ride-along TV show that visits an elderly person in life-threatening need and you have a good reference example.
If you need help, see the above comments on resignation.
If you’re offering help (or have been asked for help), you likely need to take responsibility for following through and making sure the help is accepted when given.
The habit isn’t developed
Asking for assistance is a habit. We had it as children when we were dependent on our parents, and somehow lost it as we became independent. Today is the day to begin the habit anew.
When you are asking for help, making a Request, you’ll get much better results if you:
- Have someone to ask (see above)
- Know what you need (which in some cases the help you need is working out what you need)
- Have a when to avoid open ended requests that are easily accepted but never delivered on
If this is you, make one conscious request today. The same applies for offers.
One more thing…
People who struggle with asking for help usually have no difficulty saying “Yes” to every Request that’s made of them. It is a vicious cycle as they take on more in their lives and so need more assistance to handle everything.
If this is you, learn that it’s perfectly acceptable to say “No” even if it feels difficult.