When a Request is declined, or withdrawn, and a person goes ahead and does the work anyway, relationships are impacted in hidden ways.
I often rely on my colleagues for technical information. Obtaining it means making a Request of someone, detailing what I need, why and by when. Since others are busy with their own workloads they will sometimes decline, unable to meet my needs. Alternatively, I may assess they cannot, even if they have not said so explicitly.1 In the latter case I’ll clearly say, “That’s ok. I’ll chase it up with someone else.”
Too frequently the first person I make the request of comes back 10–30 minutes later with an answer. Even with a clearly withdrawn request, people can continue working on gathering information because they genuinely want to help. Positive intention, disruptive impact. I find that frustrating because:
- They found the time. Were they insincere when they said the couldn’t help? Can I trust what they say next time? (I don’t believe this is the case because people genuinely want to help)
- I’ve lost time chasing a second person to assist.
- That second person is creating work I no longer need, requiring me to go back to them and manage a potentially negative impact on their sincerity assessment of my actions for asking them to do something another was working on. Did I really need them to help?
- My assessment of the first person’s reliability may fall, because the do not do what they say (or in this case do what we agreed they wouldn’t)
Whatever help is provided, is negated by the cost of extra Work.
I have a role to play in resolving this pattern to my satisfaction and for the proper care of others. Firstly, I need to be more certain the person has heard me withdraw my Request and that I expect nothing from them. In fact, I require nothing from them. I need to help them understand that’s ok. It’s not a failure of them that they cannot help. Running in the background for me is concern for their welfare as well.
Secondly, I want to acknowledge that my initial mood may impact how people hear “That’s ok. I’ll chase it up with someone else.” If I’m asking from a background mood of frustration (I can’t do my work that I need to do now because I don’t have the information I need), then it’s possible what they hear is resentment-laden assertiveness where my frustration is clearly communicated. It can happen and isn’t directed at the person but the situation. I have to be more careful of that in the future as it’s not my intention to come across that way and when my mood colours what I say, it can create an emotional burden for the other person. And, even if I do that successfully, it may not fully resolve things because people respond emotionally out of their own concerns as well as logically.
Footnotes
-
Culturally, saying “No” is not impossible, but it is difficult. ↩