Posts Tagged respect

Reading time: 3 – 5 minutes

The meaning we bring to our words in a conversation is important. Each of us has grown up learning what words mean so well that we often fail to recognise others may be using the same words but with different meanings. The result? Confusion and often a lack of respect.

To illustrate, let’s imaging two sergeant’s of old discussing a new archery recruit in the army. The archer has been through some training and the sergeants are reviewing his performance to date. Does he stay as an archer or will he be relegated to the infantry.

Sergeant Fred and Sergeant Barney are initially in agreement. Private Jones is not as accurate as he needs to be. More often than not he doesn’t even hit the target rings. Archers however are in short supply and they agree to give him some more training over the next month and a review.

“How did Private Jones go after his training?” asks Sergeant Fred. “I think he’s doing ok. He’s improved”, responds Barney. “How can you say he’s improved! He can’t hit a bullseye!”. “Well”, said Sergeant Barney, “He’s getting closer”. The conversation continues like this for a couple of minutes. One person convinced he’s improved and the other convinced he hasn’t.

The problem is that both sergeants are using the same word — improved — with different meanings. Or more precisely in this case from different standards. According to Barney, who’s standard is “closer to the bullseye than before”, Private Jones has improved. He regularly hits the target rings even if he doesn’t hit the middle. This showed to Barney an ability to learn and improve. Sergeant Fred on the other hand was working to a more stringent standard. What use is an archer who can get close to the enemy. He needs someone who can reliably hit a target the size of a bullseye. According to Fred’s standard Private Jones has not improved. He cannot meet the standard required.

This conversation will continue forever unless one of the participants is listening closely enough to realise they are using the same  word but with different meanings. Barney might offer, “Sgt. Fred. It seems that you an I might be using the same word but with different meanings. When you say ‘improved’ what do you  mean?” He then listens very carefully.

This is the origin of the phrase ‘coming to terms’. The process of agreeing a meaning.

In this situation it is difficult to imagine that Sgt. Barney with his understanding of Fred’s meaning for improved doesn’t agree. In an army, hitting a target is important and the time to learn is short. With a new understanding he can choose his words differently next time and avoid upsetting himself and his colleague at arms.

It would be tempting for Sgt. Barney to push forward his interpretation of improved and make Sgt. Fred understand. This would be a mistake. It’s enough to know what Fred means to move forward. Pushing his point will do nothing more than reinforce any idea Fred has that Barney doesn’t know what he’s talking about. In all likelihood, Fred doesn’t even realise there was a confusion of meaning and is relieved Barney finally sees things his way.

The practicalities of this are everywhere. In the workplace we can waste massive amounts of time arguing a point and pushing our view forward instead of seeking to understand better what the other party is saying.

In Australia there can be confusion when ‘next’ is used. Does ‘next Friday’ mean the Friday four days from now, or does it mean the Friday next following the one four days from now. It depends on who you are and who you are talking to. It can mean either. The best bet is to get the date and not just the day.

I recently had occasion to check a medical term on wikipedia. My doctor rolled his eyes when I told him of my research yet it turned up that my understanding of a medical term was different from his. Once I had read the explanation that countered my layman’s understanding I was able to turn a “no” into a “yes” which totally changed the diagnosis. Should my doctor have known better and confirmed I understood this common term properly. Yes. Should I have confirmed I understood this common term properly. Yes as well.

The responsibility to work to understand another’s meaning is yours as it is mine.