Posts Tagged request
Children ask for what they want. Do you?
Posted by David C. Buchan in Self improvement on November 30th, 2009
Reading time: 1 – 2 minutes
Children have no hesitation in asking for what they want as my daughter’s letter to Santa demonstrates. As adults we lose this skill. As the end of the year approaches and you begin reflecting on 2009 ask yourself, “What didn’t I ask for this year?”
My weekend shopping had me running late for a lunch engagement. And my mobile phone had run out of charge. It would have been easy to let things slip rather than risk the potential embarrassment of asking to borrow a phone. Instead, I plucked up the courage and asked the sales attendant serving me if I could borrow a phone to make a quick call to my wife. She could have said no but she didn’t. And while she served me, my day became easier and immediately less stressful.
If this seems a trivial example it isn’t. Requests come of all sizes and often those made early on — before things get worse — make all the difference.
Will my daughter get all she asks for on Christmas morning? Who knows what Santa will bring. I can only hope she never loses the skill of asking.
My daughter’s letter to Santa
Ask and ye shall receive
Posted by David C. Buchan in Self improvement on August 27th, 2009
Reading time: < 1 minute
In my last post I wrote about the notion of breakdowns and how a breakdown between what we expect and what happens can cause suffering. Today I want to touch briefly on a powerful way forward which is often overlooked.
If you need help, ask for it.
So simple and yet time and again I’ve evidenced people slogging away trying to solve their problems alone when all they have to do is ask. There are many reasons why they don’t. Pride, insecurity and stubborness are just three reasons. The biggest is habit. They are not in the habit of asking for assistance. They are in the habit of not asking.
For the rest of today and tomorrow note to yourself how often you think about asking for assistance and then don’t (or if offered turn it down). How strong is your habit?
Go for No!
Posted by David C. Buchan in Networking, Self improvement on May 26th, 2009
Reading time: 1 – 2 minutes
It turns out that you can judge a book by its cover. In this case, Go for No! in which the premise of the book is summarised in the title. If you want success, don’t chase the yes — chase the no. It’s only from chasing no that you will get sufficient learning to enable the yes’s to occur.
We can often fall into the trap of failing to ask for something because we’re afraid of a negative response. This bold assessment that we know what the other person will say (how often do you know what you’ll say) stops us from creating the opportunity for them to say either ‘no’ or ‘yes’. How dangerous is it to hold back on a question because we can’t afford to hear no, yet by doing so we don’t allow the very yes we so desperately need.
This book describes why setting a target to achieve a certain number of no responses will automatically generate the required number of yes responses.
Always say ‘no’ initially
Posted by David C. Buchan in Self improvement on July 5th, 2005
Reading time: < 1 minute
Matt Mower has written about the virtues of always saying ‘no’ initially. Part of his post reads…
Always say no initially. It’s a matter of leaving room to retreat. You can retreat from no to yes, and the person asking you to do something is happy. If you have to retreat from yes to no, you’ve made an enemy.
[Curiouser and curiouser!]
In the context of a bureaucracy this may be a valid tactic — the absence of commitment. There is a risk. Over time people will come to see you as unreliable, or even insincere. They will stop asking you because they can’t guarantee their needs will be taken care of. And that means you can’t help others. Ask yourself, “Do I trust a bureaucracy to deliver anything?” and you’ll know what I mean.
Charlton Goes AWOL
Posted by David C. Buchan in Self improvement on May 24th, 2004
Reading time: 3 – 4 minutes
Photo of Charlton the teddy bear
This is a photo of Charlton. He and I have been together ever since my wife gave him to me when we were first going out together. That’s now about 13 years ago. He travels with me when I’m on my own and my family is at home. Charlton and I have been to London, Chicago, Atlanta and all over Australia. Recently we were in Melbourne and uncharacteristically Charlton forgot to put himself in my suitcase for the trip home. As a result he spent a few days lost and then a few days found, waiting for me to collect him yesterday from the hotel where I (we) were staying.
Charlton’s story is a good example of how the Basic Linguistic Acts can help alleviate suffering. In this case my suffering over his loss and what my wife would do to me.
Firstly, it’s important to recognise I’d had a breakdown in the transparency of life. As I lay awaiting sleep on the Sunday night I first arrived home, I jumped up out of bed to check if Charlton was in my suitcase (yes, it’s a bit much to hope that I’d actually unpacked). I knew he wasn’t there before I checked. There was no recollection of packing him. What could I do in the moment? Nothing. So I went to sleep resolved to call the hotel in the morning.
Secondly, a 33 year old travelling with a teddy bear is a strange thing to own up to. It may not be such a strange thing to occur but who would know. I could have been so embarrassed about the fact that I failed to call the hotel and would in doing so doom myself to a life of wondering what had happened to my travelling companion. I have even been asked by others if I was embarrassed in calling. I wasn’t. He was my bear, my responsibility and I wanted to get him back. This for many may have been the greatest stumbling block. It was strange watching the reactions of others as I told them what I was doing yesterday afternoon. Nobody queried it. It’s almost as if they were too scared to find out that I wasn’t joking.
Anyway, thirdly in this play of basic linguistic acts, I called the hotel to see if they’d found a bear. Being clear in the request I explained who I was, what room I was in and where I would have lost him. The person who answered the phone agreed to have somebody look and to call me back. They did but no bear. At my wife’s suggestion I repeated that he may have been lost in the sheets but still no luck. “They would have found him as they are very thorough”, was the reply.
Well, it turns out that they weren’t very thorough as a couple of days later I got a phone call. “Were you the person who called about a missing bear? Can you describe him?”. Yes I was, and yes I could. “We have him and he’s so gorgeous”.
I was relieved and made plans to come and get him (I have some negative assessments about posting something so valuable). Luckily I was to be in Melbourne again yesterday and quite near the hotel. This is called a conversation for the coordination of action.
So with Charlton back in my house again, sitting in his rightful place atop my bedside table, I’ve completed my conversation for stories and assessments. But there is one more conversation for me to undertake. One of appreciation to the people that found him and kept him safe until I could arrive.
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Charter for Compassion
