I was shepherding the conversation with phrases such as, “Ask about X”, “Tell them about Y” and so on. It was a little frustrating at the time that my girls weren’t saying much. At first I thought they were shy but now I’m not so sure. Rather, it was such a new situation for them they had to be taught how to converse. My prompts were as much about teaching them what could be said as they were to get them to speak on the day.

As a parent we have responsibilities in all areas of life. I’ve been aware of the need to introduce my girls to new social situations but it has ended there. I’ve never known the responsibility I then had to help them through it or noted when I’ve done so until Saturday. I hope to be more effective next time around and believe the lesson learnt here is broadly applicable in life. The fine distinction between telling and educating.

It struck me how useful it would be to have this question in the workplace. I see too many decisions and actions taken on the basis of what someone believes to be true very often without any substantial basis other than it’s what they believe.

People who speak in generalities but can’t provide or offer to provide real evidence need to have this question asked of them directly. It will be confronting, even if asked sincerely. Yet it should not be something you have to apologise for. Some people will have the guts to say, “You know what? I don’t really know”. Then you have a basis to move forward.

There is an near constant stream of conversation running through my head as I converse with myself, and sometimes others in my mind, about how I can do better or how I can help others do better. Scenarios appear and are explored through conversation. What if I said this? Would they say that? How would they react? What do I need to do to achieve this? And so on. When I say, “near constant”, I’d estimate about 85% of my thoughts unless I’m focussed on a specific task.

I have grown to see the world in terms of conversational patterns and interactions. We are all connected. This way of thinking contrasts to my daughter who lives in terms of fashion and colour. At five she can tell you what someone was wearing yesterday even if it was a momentary glimpse as they walked through the room. I can’t comprehend that manner of thinking but I am in awe of it. It is a pointer that we all think differently.

I’m curious to know how you think via this post’s comments.  Do you constantly converse with yourself to explore ideas or do you find you just react in the moment? Is your world coloured or musical? Are you thinking in terms of you, or others?

Today Matters

John C. Maxwell. Center Street 2004, Hardcover, 336 pages, $6.48

Over the recent Christmas break my attention was taken by the simple and powerful idea that what we do today sets us up for the success of tomorrow. John C. Maxwell writes about the concept and his experience applying it to life in the book Today Matters.

My experience of self improvement books is that many give high level ideas which sound fantastic but are too far from day-to-day reality to put into place unless you can stop the world. Others are so highly specific as to be interesting but non-applicable. It’s as if you get the destination without transport, or transport and no destination. Thankfully Today Matters provides both in abundance — and with travel tips to boot.

Make twelve decisions. One each in an important area of life and then apply discipline on a daily basis to achieve goals consistent with your decision.

Possibly the most important learning for me was the difference between distinction and habit. I have beaten myself up too often over the failure to develop a habit. You know, that thing you must do each day to be successful. What I had failed to realise was that habit comes not from repetition, but from the repeated application of discipline. If I am disciplined enough to take action each day, the habit will follow.

I absolutely have Today Matters in my top five must read books and recommend you take the time to read and apply it to your life.

I’ve taken on three areas to start with. Two areas which I have assessed to be strong and one where I have assessed myself to be weak (all relative to one another). Maxwell’s suggestion is to work on an area for 60 days and no more than one weak area at a time. That’s great advice for my melancholy nature which would otherwise take on all twelve.

I’ve chosen Growth, Health and Finance. For personal reasons I will refrain from sharing the decision I made in each area. I hope you don’t mind. Yet, having made the each decision it was immediately apparent which disciplines I had to install into my daily life.

Under Growth I have recommitted to reading 15 minutes a day and freshly committed to reviewing my growth each day and counting the number of times during the day I help another improve themselves. With Health I have learnt more about the nature of a good diet and applied it (loss of 3.5kg in 3 weeks) plus exercise of 30 minutes most days. My weakest area was Finance and in that area I’ve learnt the ways in which I justify poor spending decisions, reviewed my insurances, taken steps to secure my retirement and helped my daughters begin to understand what money is (thanks to The First National Bank of Dad by David Owen).

Half way through my first sixty days I can confidently say I have made progress in all three areas which would not have happened if I had not read Today Matters or limited myself to only three areas of focus. Stay tuned.

50 book challenge (2009)

In 2008 I successfully read 50 personal and self improvement books in a 12 month period and once complete immediately set myself the same task for 2009. Whatever the reasons, and I could create many, my progress this time around has been much slower. As of today I am at 16/50 which leaves 34 between now and April. In terms of open loops I had committed to myself to write up a short overview of each book for you the reader and I’ve managed just 8 of the 16. So, here are they are:

Getting Things Done by David Allen; At least my third reading of my productivity bible. Each time through I learn something new. See my Getting Things Done category of posts for more information.

The Way of the Bow by Paulo Coelho; The most succinct book on goal setting I have ever read. It uses the various aspects of archery as metaphors for goals. The title is available for free online.

“But never hold back from firing the arrow if all that paralyses you is fear of making a mistake. if you have made the right movements, open you hand and release the string. Even if the arrow fails to it the target, you will learn how to improve your aim next time.

Go for No! by Richard Fenton and Andrea Waltz; A second read in the period and perhaps more interesting the second time around (see my earlier review).

The Magic of Thinking Big by David J. Schwartz; This is a classic reminder that our thinking is the ultimate limiting factor in the success of our life. This was my second reading and I was grateful to be able to identify those times I’ve thought big and achieved results. It also helped me identify all those times I didn’t think so big and pulled back for no real reason.

“We must be willing to make an intelligent compromise with perfection lest we wait forever before taking action.”

The Manual of the Warrior of the Light by Paulo Coelho; A series of short stories, often in parable form, exposing virtuous characteristics. I often take inspiration from these stories. For those familiar with The Warrior of the Light newsletter, much of the content here will be familiar. The title is available for free online at http://paulocoelhoblog.com/internet-books/

Today Matters by John C. Maxwell; This is the most important book that I read in 2009. So much so that it was read cover to cover twice in a matter of weeks. The basic concept is that what we do each day sets us for the success of tomorrow and we must put daily disciplines into place for that to occur. I’ll write more in a later post.

Practising gratefulness daily

A little while ago I wrote about the benefits of practising gratefulness daily. My well meant intention was to post what I was grateful for each day on Twitter and sadly I haven’t come close to doing that. I am often grateful but may not pick up the habit of a daily post until later this year.

Declaration of closure

And so I declare my 2009 open loops closed with regard to Quantum Gardener. There are still many ideas trying to get out of my head and into this blog. It takes time to organise them all and find space to write clearly. It may be as part of my 2010 self-improvement learning plan that I commit to a weekly blog entry at a minimum yet before doing so I do need to be sure it won’t be at the cost of something else.

My weekend shopping had me running late for a lunch engagement. And my mobile phone had run out of charge. It would have been easy to let things slip rather than risk the potential embarrassment of asking to borrow a phone. Instead, I plucked up the courage and asked the sales attendant serving me if I could borrow a phone to make a quick call to my wife.  She could have said no but she didn’t. And while she served me, my day became easier and immediately less stressful.

If this seems a trivial example it isn’t. Requests come of all sizes and often those made early on — before things get worse — make all the difference.

Will my daughter get all she asks for on Christmas morning? Who knows what Santa will bring. I can only hope she never loses the skill of asking.

My daughter’s letter to Santa

Following in the footsteps of Michael Bungay Stanier I have signed and affirmed the Charter for Compassion, a global effort to raise the awareness of compassion in the world.

This simple act had me thinking about compassion over the weekend and how it comes about. There are people in the world who are naturally compassionate. And, there are people who are not. What might be the difference between them and how, if you’re in the latter group, can you change things?

Much as there is a mood of gratefulness, there is a mood associated with compassion as well. Moods are integral to our way of being. They are predispositions to action. In simpler terms, the mood we are in dictates what we see as possible in the world. If I’m in a compassionate mood then showing compassion to my fellow citizens will be much easier than if I am in a non-compassionate mood such as resentment,  resignation or anxiety. How can I consider helping someone if I’m angry, feel there is no possibility in the world or am scared of what may happen?

The Arbinger Institute would say we are non-compassionate when we are “out of the box” or have a “heart at war” with respect to another. Practising the teachings in their excellent books Leadership and Self-Deception and The Anatomy of Peace will take you a long way towards harbouring a compassionate way of being.

I sadly can’t speak from direct experience of cultivating a compassionate mood. Having signed the Charter for Compassion I’m now bound to try. What I can speak from is the experience of generating other useful and resourceful moods.

Shifting a mood requires consideration of the language you use and the way you hold your body. I’d suggest that to become more compassionate I’ll need to be reading appropriately such autobiographies as I can find about people who have led compassionate lives. And I’ll need to keep observing my internal thoughts, particularly as they apply to those I don’t get along with so well. Skip Ross suggests that you think only good thoughts about people you don’t like for 90 days and see what happens. If you think a negative thought any time before that, start again (and he notes saving the bad thoughts up to let rip on day 91 doesn’t count). This post is also part of shifting my language. I’m “in the conversation”.

Likewise I’ll need to be observing my body and how it reacts. I’m not sure exactly what a compassionate posture is other than to think it is relaxed and non-aggressive. Standing back rather than forwards.

Most importantly, in my efforts to become more compassionate, I must show compassion to myself. There will be times when I’m nowhere close. If I show myself compassion I can learn. Otherwise I’ll keep myself down.

If you’re still reading then why not sign the Charter for Compassion yourself.