If that’s not a definition of “enough is enough”, then I don’t know what is.

You and I live in a world where it is amazingly easy to collect and we seem intent on holding onto everything. DVD or Blu-ray movies, music on our iPods, books via Kindle and even conversations via Twitter and Facebook. Are we so scared that we’ll lose it all?

I was shepherding the conversation with phrases such as, “Ask about X”, “Tell them about Y” and so on. It was a little frustrating at the time that my girls weren’t saying much. At first I thought they were shy but now I’m not so sure. Rather, it was such a new situation for them they had to be taught how to converse. My prompts were as much about teaching them what could be said as they were to get them to speak on the day.

As a parent we have responsibilities in all areas of life. I’ve been aware of the need to introduce my girls to new social situations but it has ended there. I’ve never known the responsibility I then had to help them through it or noted when I’ve done so until Saturday. I hope to be more effective next time around and believe the lesson learnt here is broadly applicable in life. The fine distinction between telling and educating.

There is an near constant stream of conversation running through my head as I converse with myself, and sometimes others in my mind, about how I can do better or how I can help others do better. Scenarios appear and are explored through conversation. What if I said this? Would they say that? How would they react? What do I need to do to achieve this? And so on. When I say, “near constant”, I’d estimate about 85% of my thoughts unless I’m focussed on a specific task.

I have grown to see the world in terms of conversational patterns and interactions. We are all connected. This way of thinking contrasts to my daughter who lives in terms of fashion and colour. At five she can tell you what someone was wearing yesterday even if it was a momentary glimpse as they walked through the room. I can’t comprehend that manner of thinking but I am in awe of it. It is a pointer that we all think differently.

I’m curious to know how you think via this post’s comments.  Do you constantly converse with yourself to explore ideas or do you find you just react in the moment? Is your world coloured or musical? Are you thinking in terms of you, or others?

• Was it the family who was late for their 4.45 pm appointment?
• Was it the teacher who let an early arrival meet before us when the first family was late?
• Was it the teacher who then let the late family start at out allotted time after the early arrival had met?

I ask the question again. Who was to blame for my wife and I missing our 5.20 pm appointment?

We were.

In the moment we used the others as reasons to miss it. We took an appointment with the first teacher 20 minutes late when we should have been done with that and in the second class. Instead of recognising a commitment for 5.00 pm had not been met and dealing with that fact, we exacerbated the problem by missing the next. As one promise was broken for us, we in turn broke another.

Everybody understands but is it really acceptable? Multiple people stressing and angering because nobody in the chain could keep a commitment and acted selfishly (under the guise of being fair).

The conversations could have been as follows (and I’m going to paraphrase rather than spell out in full):

• Between the first teacher and the family that was late. “Sorry. You’ve missed your appointment. We’ll have to reschedule or you’re welcome to wait in case a time opens up”. In this case we would have had both appointments on time.
• Between us and the teacher. “Sorry. You allowed another family to jump ahead of us. We’re off to keep our committed 5.20 pm appointment and will have to reschedule with you.”
• Between us and the second teacher. “The times with the first teacher have been stuffed around. Would it be possible for us to be 10 minutes late?” If so, we’re all ok and commitments are managed. If not, we attend at the previously agreed time.
• Then when we were late, between us and the second teacher. “Sorry. You’ve missed your appointment…”

Remember I did say that my wife and I were responsible for missing our second appointment. We chose not to attend it on time.

Often we can forget the impact of seemingly simple decisions. For whatever reason the first family were late, they impacted the lives of at least 10 other people as the situation cascaded. If they had rescheduled or the teacher had required it far few people would have been impacted. If we had left the first appointment and gone to the second on time it would have impacted us more so but saved the distress of others.

This is a common situation. One client arrives late so you go over time and are yourself late for your next client meeting (leaving everybody waiting unproductively) and so on throughout the day until you finally arrive home after the children have gone to bed.

Make your commitments carefully and stick to them. Holding yourself and others accountable builds trust around reliability.

For managers and supervisors

Pre-interview questionnaires? Bin them.

Competency models? Bin them too.

Forms to fill out during the interview? You guessed it. Right to the bin.

Complicated meeting arrangements? Just pick a time.

Now you have the space for the following questions.

1. Where is the business/department/team now? As a manager or team leader this is where you describe where you think the company is going. It sets the context for the remaining questions.
2. What are your priorities? Your employee now knows where you’re going and you can openly discuss where they want to go within that plan. Heaven forbid you might find there is a mis-match of priorities here but in all my experience I’ve always been able to find something that aligns the two.
3. What do you think you’ve done well? Allow the employee to discuss what they’ve done well since the last review (which, by the way was no more than three months ago was it?). You will be able to confirm and add more observations.
4. What would you like to improve upon? Gather ideas for further education and find out, then agree, on how you can support your charge.
5. How can I be a better manager for you? Now listen. DO NOT ARGUE. Any remaining dissatisfaction will surface. Come to agreement on how you can be a better manager. It may require the employee changing their behaviour as well.

For employees

If you are an employee, the process is even easier.

1. What am I doing that you want me to keep doing?
2. What am I doing that you want me to stop doing?
3. What am I not doing that you need me to do?

Timing?

Whenever needed. Nothing in a performance review should ever be a surprise to the employee. At Arthur Andersen I was guaranteed an appraisal of some sort every three months or sooner if I had completed a project within that time frame. I find three months is a good timeframe. It gives time for behaviours to change but not so much that you need days to cover it all and so end up covering nothing.

The Next Trillion

Paul Zane Pilzer. VideoPlus 2001, Paperback, 197 pages, $3.11

There are some interesting ideas in The Next Trillion by Paul Zane Pilzer. I read the Australia and New Zealand Tour Edition which is an abridged version. Let me declare that I own a business which sells products in the wellness industry but have no interest in sales of this book. Here I’m relaying Pilzer’s arguments and encourage you to read the book yourself and make up your own mind.

Quantity demand reflects the consumer’s demand for a larger supply of an existing product; quality demand reflects the appetite for a different or improved kind of product.

Pilzer, Paul Z (2001) “The Next Trillion: Australia and New Zealand Tour Edition”, Video Plus (USA), p.40

I saw my spending patterns reflected in the conversation about quantity and quality demand. I bought my first DVD because I recognised the quality was better than VHS. This is quality demand. Then, happy with the quality I wanted more of it and purchased many more DVDs. This is quantity demand. Then, with the introduction of Bluray as a higher quality format again I’m back on the quality demand cycle. Pilzer contends this will be the same with nutritional and other wellness products. People will want more and of a better quality. My own experience reflects this also.

The bulk of the abridged version details an almost conspiracy argument that the government and food producers are concerned only with profit and more sales. It is US based but I can see the same trends here in Australia and comes about from a chronic lack of understanding about what food we require and why. Mainstream food choices are not good, especially if eaten without understanding what is. As people learn they do change their behaviours. It is unfortunately very difficult to learn and that reason alone is sufficient to read this book to get you started.

John Maxwell – Leadership mentor. An amazing knack (though hard work no doubt) of distilling leadership lessons into understandable pieces.

Alan Sieler – Ontological coach. My coaching mentor and author of two excellent books on the method of Ontological Coaching.

These are the authors I keep coming back to. When I read their words it’s like a conversation with them over time.

Following in the footsteps of Michael Bungay Stanier I have signed and affirmed the Charter for Compassion, a global effort to raise the awareness of compassion in the world.

This simple act had me thinking about compassion over the weekend and how it comes about. There are people in the world who are naturally compassionate. And, there are people who are not. What might be the difference between them and how, if you’re in the latter group, can you change things?

Much as there is a mood of gratefulness, there is a mood associated with compassion as well. Moods are integral to our way of being. They are predispositions to action. In simpler terms, the mood we are in dictates what we see as possible in the world. If I’m in a compassionate mood then showing compassion to my fellow citizens will be much easier than if I am in a non-compassionate mood such as resentment,  resignation or anxiety. How can I consider helping someone if I’m angry, feel there is no possibility in the world or am scared of what may happen?

The Arbinger Institute would say we are non-compassionate when we are “out of the box” or have a “heart at war” with respect to another. Practising the teachings in their excellent books Leadership and Self-Deception and The Anatomy of Peace will take you a long way towards harbouring a compassionate way of being.

I sadly can’t speak from direct experience of cultivating a compassionate mood. Having signed the Charter for Compassion I’m now bound to try. What I can speak from is the experience of generating other useful and resourceful moods.

Shifting a mood requires consideration of the language you use and the way you hold your body. I’d suggest that to become more compassionate I’ll need to be reading appropriately such autobiographies as I can find about people who have led compassionate lives. And I’ll need to keep observing my internal thoughts, particularly as they apply to those I don’t get along with so well. Skip Ross suggests that you think only good thoughts about people you don’t like for 90 days and see what happens. If you think a negative thought any time before that, start again (and he notes saving the bad thoughts up to let rip on day 91 doesn’t count). This post is also part of shifting my language. I’m “in the conversation”.

Likewise I’ll need to be observing my body and how it reacts. I’m not sure exactly what a compassionate posture is other than to think it is relaxed and non-aggressive. Standing back rather than forwards.

Most importantly, in my efforts to become more compassionate, I must show compassion to myself. There will be times when I’m nowhere close. If I show myself compassion I can learn. Otherwise I’ll keep myself down.

If you’re still reading then why not sign the Charter for Compassion yourself.

To illustrate, let’s imaging two sergeant’s of old discussing a new archery recruit in the army. The archer has been through some training and the sergeants are reviewing his performance to date. Does he stay as an archer or will he be relegated to the infantry.

Sergeant Fred and Sergeant Barney are initially in agreement. Private Jones is not as accurate as he needs to be. More often than not he doesn’t even hit the target rings. Archers however are in short supply and they agree to give him some more training over the next month and a review.

“How did Private Jones go after his training?” asks Sergeant Fred. “I think he’s doing ok. He’s improved”, responds Barney. “How can you say he’s improved! He can’t hit a bullseye!”. “Well”, said Sergeant Barney, “He’s getting closer”. The conversation continues like this for a couple of minutes. One person convinced he’s improved and the other convinced he hasn’t.

The problem is that both sergeants are using the same word — improved — with different meanings. Or more precisely in this case from different standards. According to Barney, who’s standard is “closer to the bullseye than before”, Private Jones has improved. He regularly hits the target rings even if he doesn’t hit the middle. This showed to Barney an ability to learn and improve. Sergeant Fred on the other hand was working to a more stringent standard. What use is an archer who can get close to the enemy. He needs someone who can reliably hit a target the size of a bullseye. According to Fred’s standard Private Jones has not improved. He cannot meet the standard required.

This conversation will continue forever unless one of the participants is listening closely enough to realise they are using the same  word but with different meanings. Barney might offer, “Sgt. Fred. It seems that you an I might be using the same word but with different meanings. When you say ‘improved’ what do you  mean?” He then listens very carefully.

This is the origin of the phrase ‘coming to terms’. The process of agreeing a meaning.

In this situation it is difficult to imagine that Sgt. Barney with his understanding of Fred’s meaning for improved doesn’t agree. In an army, hitting a target is important and the time to learn is short. With a new understanding he can choose his words differently next time and avoid upsetting himself and his colleague at arms.

It would be tempting for Sgt. Barney to push forward his interpretation of improved and make Sgt. Fred understand. This would be a mistake. It’s enough to know what Fred means to move forward. Pushing his point will do nothing more than reinforce any idea Fred has that Barney doesn’t know what he’s talking about. In all likelihood, Fred doesn’t even realise there was a confusion of meaning and is relieved Barney finally sees things his way.

The practicalities of this are everywhere. In the workplace we can waste massive amounts of time arguing a point and pushing our view forward instead of seeking to understand better what the other party is saying.

In Australia there can be confusion when ‘next’ is used. Does ‘next Friday’ mean the Friday four days from now, or does it mean the Friday next following the one four days from now. It depends on who you are and who you are talking to. It can mean either. The best bet is to get the date and not just the day.

I recently had occasion to check a medical term on wikipedia. My doctor rolled his eyes when I told him of my research yet it turned up that my understanding of a medical term was different from his. Once I had read the explanation that countered my layman’s understanding I was able to turn a “no” into a “yes” which totally changed the diagnosis. Should my doctor have known better and confirmed I understood this common term properly. Yes. Should I have confirmed I understood this common term properly. Yes as well.

The responsibility to work to understand another’s meaning is yours as it is mine.

The Fine Art of Small Talk

Debra Fine. Hyperion 2005, Hardcover, 224 pages, $6.00

Initiating a conversation with other people can be difficult as most of us are so worried about what the other person will think of us that we decide it’s better to say nothing than to expose our flaws. This topic is just one covered in The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine. For me this book differs from the many other ‘How to speak to people’ books out there because it entwines real stories with some ideas that go beyond have courage, smile and be pleasant.

Take for example Debra’s ideas on how to approach acquaintances about their work or family life. Instead of asking “How’s work?” and walking into a minefield because they were made redundant last week and didn’t know it, ask “How has your year been?” or “What’s been going on with work since I last saw you?”. This provides both parties a graceful way to explore or avoid the situation. Similarly don’t use “How’s your wife/husband/partner” but instead use “Bring me up to date on your family”.

One of my personal pet-hate questions, though not listed in the book, is “Are you having children?”. This question causes extreme pain to all those couples who are striving to have children but can’t for whatever reason. I know; I’ve been there. It presumes so much.

Another suggestion I’ve picked up on the way is to ask people, “So, do you work locally?” instead of “Where do you work?”. Similar to the suggestions above it allows the other party to gracefully handle the loss of a job, working from home, etc.

Yet I digress. The Fine Art of Small Talk is an easy read on what should be an easy subject. It carries with it useful information and a shot of confidence.