Posts Tagged conversation
You may be teaching and not know it
Posted by David C. Buchan in Coaching others on March 9th, 2010
Reading time: 1 – 2 minutes
On Saturday my family and I spoke via Skype video to our dear friends in the UK. They’re visiting next month and we thought it would be good for the children to all speak and see each other first as they have never met.
I was shepherding the conversation with phrases such as, “Ask about X”, “Tell them about Y” and so on. It was a little frustrating at the time that my girls weren’t saying much. At first I thought they were shy but now I’m not so sure. Rather, it was such a new situation for them they had to be taught how to converse. My prompts were as much about teaching them what could be said as they were to get them to speak on the day.
As a parent we have responsibilities in all areas of life. I’ve been aware of the need to introduce my girls to new social situations but it has ended there. I’ve never known the responsibility I then had to help them through it or noted when I’ve done so until Saturday. I hope to be more effective next time around and believe the lesson learnt here is broadly applicable in life. The fine distinction between telling and educating.
What are you thinking?
Posted by David C. Buchan in Self improvement on March 2nd, 2010
Reading time: 2 – 2 minutes
Ever since I was young I’ve been fascinated by the idea that people could learn from books or spend all their life as scholars studying. Now I find I’ve become the very same. My personal mission statement of ten years ago stated, “I am a scholar of life”. What was an inkling then has become a full time preoccupation.
There is an near constant stream of conversation running through my head as I converse with myself, and sometimes others in my mind, about how I can do better or how I can help others do better. Scenarios appear and are explored through conversation. What if I said this? Would they say that? How would they react? What do I need to do to achieve this? And so on. When I say, “near constant”, I’d estimate about 85% of my thoughts unless I’m focussed on a specific task.
I have grown to see the world in terms of conversational patterns and interactions. We are all connected. This way of thinking contrasts to my daughter who lives in terms of fashion and colour. At five she can tell you what someone was wearing yesterday even if it was a momentary glimpse as they walked through the room. I can’t comprehend that manner of thinking but I am in awe of it. It is a pointer that we all think differently.
I’m curious to know how you think via this post’s comments. Do you constantly converse with yourself to explore ideas or do you find you just react in the moment? Is your world coloured or musical? Are you thinking in terms of you, or others?
It is your responsibility to clarify understanding
Posted by David C. Buchan in Self improvement on November 16th, 2009
Reading time: 3 – 5 minutes
The meaning we bring to our words in a conversation is important. Each of us has grown up learning what words mean so well that we often fail to recognise others may be using the same words but with different meanings. The result? Confusion and often a lack of respect.
To illustrate, let’s imaging two sergeant’s of old discussing a new archery recruit in the army. The archer has been through some training and the sergeants are reviewing his performance to date. Does he stay as an archer or will he be relegated to the infantry.
Sergeant Fred and Sergeant Barney are initially in agreement. Private Jones is not as accurate as he needs to be. More often than not he doesn’t even hit the target rings. Archers however are in short supply and they agree to give him some more training over the next month and a review.
“How did Private Jones go after his training?” asks Sergeant Fred. “I think he’s doing ok. He’s improved”, responds Barney. “How can you say he’s improved! He can’t hit a bullseye!”. “Well”, said Sergeant Barney, “He’s getting closer”. The conversation continues like this for a couple of minutes. One person convinced he’s improved and the other convinced he hasn’t.
The problem is that both sergeants are using the same word — improved — with different meanings. Or more precisely in this case from different standards. According to Barney, who’s standard is “closer to the bullseye than before”, Private Jones has improved. He regularly hits the target rings even if he doesn’t hit the middle. This showed to Barney an ability to learn and improve. Sergeant Fred on the other hand was working to a more stringent standard. What use is an archer who can get close to the enemy. He needs someone who can reliably hit a target the size of a bullseye. According to Fred’s standard Private Jones has not improved. He cannot meet the standard required.
This conversation will continue forever unless one of the participants is listening closely enough to realise they are using the same word but with different meanings. Barney might offer, “Sgt. Fred. It seems that you an I might be using the same word but with different meanings. When you say ‘improved’ what do you mean?” He then listens very carefully.
This is the origin of the phrase ‘coming to terms’. The process of agreeing a meaning.
In this situation it is difficult to imagine that Sgt. Barney with his understanding of Fred’s meaning for improved doesn’t agree. In an army, hitting a target is important and the time to learn is short. With a new understanding he can choose his words differently next time and avoid upsetting himself and his colleague at arms.
It would be tempting for Sgt. Barney to push forward his interpretation of improved and make Sgt. Fred understand. This would be a mistake. It’s enough to know what Fred means to move forward. Pushing his point will do nothing more than reinforce any idea Fred has that Barney doesn’t know what he’s talking about. In all likelihood, Fred doesn’t even realise there was a confusion of meaning and is relieved Barney finally sees things his way.
The practicalities of this are everywhere. In the workplace we can waste massive amounts of time arguing a point and pushing our view forward instead of seeking to understand better what the other party is saying.
In Australia there can be confusion when ‘next’ is used. Does ‘next Friday’ mean the Friday four days from now, or does it mean the Friday next following the one four days from now. It depends on who you are and who you are talking to. It can mean either. The best bet is to get the date and not just the day.
I recently had occasion to check a medical term on wikipedia. My doctor rolled his eyes when I told him of my research yet it turned up that my understanding of a medical term was different from his. Once I had read the explanation that countered my layman’s understanding I was able to turn a “no” into a “yes” which totally changed the diagnosis. Should my doctor have known better and confirmed I understood this common term properly. Yes. Should I have confirmed I understood this common term properly. Yes as well.
The responsibility to work to understand another’s meaning is yours as it is mine.
The Fine Art of Small Talk
Posted by David C. Buchan in Inspiration and motivation, Networking, Self improvement on May 19th, 2009
Reading time: 2 – 2 minutes
Initiating a conversation with other people can be difficult as most of us are so worried about what the other person will think of us that we decide it’s better to say nothing than to expose our flaws. This topic is just one covered in The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine. For me this book differs from the many other ‘How to speak to people’ books out there because it entwines real stories with some ideas that go beyond have courage, smile and be pleasant.
Take for example Debra’s ideas on how to approach acquaintances about their work or family life. Instead of asking “How’s work?” and walking into a minefield because they were made redundant last week and didn’t know it, ask “How has your year been?” or “What’s been going on with work since I last saw you?”. This provides both parties a graceful way to explore or avoid the situation. Similarly don’t use “How’s your wife/husband/partner” but instead use “Bring me up to date on your family”.
One of my personal pet-hate questions, though not listed in the book, is “Are you having children?”. This question causes extreme pain to all those couples who are striving to have children but can’t for whatever reason. I know; I’ve been there. It presumes so much.
Another suggestion I’ve picked up on the way is to ask people, “So, do you work locally?” instead of “Where do you work?”. Similar to the suggestions above it allows the other party to gracefully handle the loss of a job, working from home, etc.
Yet I digress. The Fine Art of Small Talk is an easy read on what should be an easy subject. It carries with it useful information and a shot of confidence.
Leadership and Self Deception
Posted by David C. Buchan in Coaching others, Inspiration and motivation, Self improvement on May 19th, 2009
Reading time: < 1 minute
I have already listened to the audiobook of Leadership and Self Deception twice so far this year. I found the content of this book extremely humbling each time and whereas the first exposure to the material was a challenge, the second time it was challenging of me.
Unable to source a paperback copy quickly I purchased the audio version from iTunes. The ideas of self-deception, self-betrayal and how they affect our daily lives unfold as a conversation between Tom and his employers so the acting of the audio added immensely to the feeling of the book and set a nice pace.
Leadership and Self-Deception adds a level of understanding to workplace interactions which is deep yet clear and sensible.
Twitter and other social sites give us Ambient Intimacy
Posted by David C. Buchan in Self improvement, Using technology on April 23rd, 2009
Reading time: < 1 minute
It looks like what I was trying to describe as the benefits of Twitter etc, is ambient intimacy. This is a nice term for being close to the environment of others with it’s not practical to be there in person.
Who cares? Who wants this level of detail? Isn’t this all just annoying noise?… There are a lot of us, though, who find great value in this ongoing noise. It helps us get to know people who would otherwise be just acquaintances. It makes us feel closer to people we care for but in whose lives we’re not able to participate as closely as we’d like.
For more information, read what Leisa Reichelt has to say about ambient intimacy.
Twitter status updates connect us strongly
Posted by David C. Buchan in Self improvement, Using technology on April 22nd, 2009
Reading time: 2 – 4 minutes
Many years ago now, my wife and I began having regular fortnightly dinners with her sister and husband. At first things were awkward as our lives weren’t connected enough to have anything to talk about. After a few evenings things had changed dramatically and we had more than enough to keep our minds and our mouths occupied.
What changed?
I think it was this. We began to build connections, which in turn built more connections and so on until we had a web of conversation and past experiences to connect to. Once the connections were there we could make more meaning from them.
It is a post by Tim Elmore that triggered me thinking about this once again. Connections are the prime reason I recommend Facebook or Twitter to someone. Like Tim who writes,
I can’t believe it. I just did something that two years ago I said I would never do. I twittered. … It leads me to this thought. I told myself I would never twitter because I don’t really care to know the ins and outs of anyone’s life enough to hear from them daily–sometimes multiple times a day–that they are jogging in Florida or that they love pepperoni pizza a lot. Don’t get me wrong. I love many people, but my love doesn’t drive me to want to know these details about their day. To add to that, I cannot imagine anyone wanting to know what I am doing, each day.
I thought the same things.
We have to hear the minute detail about people’s lives in order to build the social trust to hear the bigger things. My first Facebook experience came from hearing my sister talk about my cousins at a level of familiarity I was unfamiliar with. They were all on Facebook and I was missing out. Sure, there is plenty of noise, but that’s a necessary evil. I have learned to listen beyond that.
How do you keep in touch with your second and third circle of friends and relatives. Those which you only see at reunions but which lead rich lives and share interests you may never have the time to hear about at your yearly catch up.
How much richer is life when you are aware of what interests those you know? How can you now help them with what you know? How much more connected do you feel?
So, if you’re not yet on Facebook or Twitter have a look. Stick with it for a while and you may be surprised. And Tim. I had cheese on toast for lunch.
Use the phone to build relationships instead of email
Posted by David C. Buchan in Networking, Using technology on February 21st, 2006
Reading time: 1 – 2 minutes
What do you do when email is down or it fails to get your point across? I bet you pick up the phone just like I do. Robert Gerrish of Flying Solo makes a great point about conversation and relationships in his latest newsletter.
Just imagine if email were taken away from you. What would you do? Would you type 20, 30, 40 letters a day? Fold them, pop them in envelopes and trundle up to the letterbox? Not a chance.
I sure as hell wouldn’t. It would be worse if I needed to have a printed label on each envelope. The choice of communication channel is critical in the creation of quality working relationships. Email traverses distance in time differently from a phone or face-to-face conversation. It also changes the nature of the interaction. Only last week I shared with someone the example of an email sent to my cousin which drew the response, “Are you allright?”. I was fine as would have been evident over the phone, yet in the email there was no emotional marker. (have you noticed there are emoticons for a lot of emotions but “ok” is not included). My cousin’s own mood effected how he interpreted mine. How ironic that for most of us email travels over the phone line.
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Charter for Compassion
Some side-benefits of opening up your personal knowledge management system
Posted by David C. Buchan in Personal knowledge management, Using technology on September 27th, 2005
Reading time: 1 – 2 minutes
I’ve just taken my business partner through the in’s and out’s of how I join my blog, del.icio.us and newsgator into a personal knowledge management system. I hadn’t recognised the complexity and power of what is on offer and how easily I can now share that information with others. It has created a greater sense of value in what I am doing, and an incentive to improve my processes.
The conversation brought me deeply in touch with the people whose blogs I read on a regular basis. We are an informal and unstructured learning community, travelling in and out of topics as we see fit, as if we’re kids in a shopping mall, running ahead of each other saying, “Hey, look at this!”.
I should probably reinstate comments on my website. I see others receiving valuable comments and feel a sense of loss at missing out. The decision to remove them was due to too much time being wasted on SPAM management. Maybe it’s better now (lol). [This was done a few days later].
blog, comments, community, conversation, knowledge management system, learning, software
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